please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered

You may have seen these before, but I hadn't. From an email.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


Ø The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.



Ø The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."



Ø Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.



Ø Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.



Ø The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.



Ø Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.



Ø Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.



Ø Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.



Ø For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.



Ø Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.



Ø Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.



Ø The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."



Ø Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.



Ø A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.



Ø At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.



Ø Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.



Ø Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.



Ø Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.



Ø The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.



Ø Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.



Ø The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.



Ø This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.



Ø Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.



Ø The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.



Ø Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.



Ø The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.



Ø Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.



Ø The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours